As my heart rate returned to normal after schlepping my bags a mile through Terminal 7 at LAX, I began reflecting on how nourishing this trip was. I got to spend time with most of my chosen family, and it was four days where time stood still. The gift of being present in the moment, from one moment to the next, has me sitting here feeling so fulfilled, yet I'm also slightly winded.
I left LA two years ago to pursue my remote, off-grid existence in Northern California, but being back amongst people - because I don’t have many of those on our ridge - had me observing life around me from a very different lens. My friend was driving me, and I said to her, 'I feel like an alien making all these very obvious observations about humans, and I’m finding it so interesting how it’s all narrating in my mind.' Observing all the things people do to make a life felt like I was seeing it all for the first time. It was wild, and I noticed that being removed created a different lens through which to observe life.
It’s something I have been contemplating a lot lately: how to create a meaningful life that feels fulfilled, important, purposeful, rich in love, joy, laughter, and connection with nature and community, as well as creative passions and adventurous experiences - in other words, a life worth being present for.
My dreams in life have evolved into this ‘other’ stage, and I’m not fully clear on the specifics of what ‘other’ is. I've reached the level in the video game where I aced it, and now it’s onto the next one. I am waiting to see what is ahead of me. I’m not a gamer at all, so pardon my incorrect use of verbiage, but I think you get the idea.
I suppose you could say this is the best place to be if the unknown doesn’t make you spiral out; a place of exploration, a place of surrender to following your joy and seeing what sticks. A big part of me feels excited about the notion that life is revealing itself to me. I've thrown in all the desirable ingredients, and I am about to reveal what this treat tastes like, smells like, and feels like. I think I am also more excited than apprehensive because I have lived here in this remote mountain for exactly 777 days. That in itself feels like a good sign around these thoughts.
For 777 days, I have been removed from societal programming and immersed in a life of freedom that is thankfully void of conformity being thrust upon me, potentially subconsciously shaping the next phase of my dream life. I feel like I have cleared a level, which isn’t what “they” wanted us to do, is it? They wanted us to choose from a list of socially approved and accepted options, and then follow the path that has already been laid out for us as “successful models.”
I’m proud to say that way of life never felt aligned for me. It’s not that I wasn’t pressured to conform; I was, and I did, time and time again, because it was the “safe” route —the secure way. I was a people pleaser for most of my life, wanting to fit in and be accepted and loved. However, I finally said no, thank you, and over time, I said no to society as a whole, opting to go off the grid. Literally and figuratively. It’s not for everyone. I’m not even sure if it’s for me to be honest, but I have found so much peace and value in this spacious silence. Though extremely uncomfortable at times, I feel that it has awakened in my inner bad ass a sense of security and confidence in my own choices, because the noise of society doesn’t influence them, but instead reflects my own divine truth. The kind of truth that I never would’ve heard if the chaos and programming still surrounded me. It’s that kind of truth that feels like divine wisdom is guiding you.
LA had me contemplating so much and while my remote mountain life isn’t full of trips to the Getty on a Saturday afternoon with the hottest toddler rock band sporting graffiti adorned overalls wailing at the top of their lungs as gorgeous put together parents sipped their wine and vodka out of sippy cups watching their tutu-sporting kids twirl and jump up and down like they were at a coldplay concert or Friday night girl dinners that end with sitting under trees named Lady Amelia and drinking wine and laughing until tears stream down our faces or the 5 freeway change from The 101 to The 110 to The 105 to The 405 to get across town to surprise my beautful friends of 20 plus years and hug them in person and eat carrot cake together; it feels important that I did experience this slice of life to remind me that there is alot more living to come. Quite frankly, life has felt too still lately, and I genuinely haven’t felt like I’ve been living fully.
So, I’m leaving LA and Terminal 7 feeling so full, loved, and thankful for all the life dreams I've experienced, past and present (minus the toddler band - that will take some time to shake off). The past four days inspired me to keep dreaming bigger than ever, and that it’s okay to reintegrate with society on my terms. The biggest thing to admit in this rambling entry is that I want some of the things I left behind back. I miss many people and things I left behind. Admitting that doesn’t mean I failed. It just makes me human.
Perhaps I will now always view humans as a study in societal programming. I mean, I did major in Sociology after all, so I’ve been looking through this lens to some degree for more than half of my life. Maybe I will always feel a little outside or removed. It’s not a bad place to be. Perhaps it’s time to forge my new path - yet again and see what amazing things show up for this next level in my life. Maybe this next level will have people and things I genuinely love closer to me.
Much love,
Nicole